ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM – EUTHANASIA

The first day in the neonatal ICU,
A Sick little baby, barely the length of my forearms… with failing lungs, liver, heart and atrophic brain and Our Hands in the story somewhere ...I do not promise a happy or miraculous ending here, because even I do not know how this is going to end...

Rushing to the Blood bank to fill up for the deficit of the vacuum created in the blood vessels by constant drowning of our baby boy in his own blood , I was not thinking fast , i realized I was numbed by the chain of events ..By the same strange voice of intuition that we hear time and again, that prepares us for the worst, I was being prepared for it.
Standing for 2 hours holding those hands in of mine and from the other bagging air in to the non functional lungs of our baby , I had this strange confidence that as the baby was clutching to my hands harder and harder , I was imparting some kind of faith / energy to fight into the little soul... the moment I saw blood oozing out of his nose ,I knew I will have to let go and get replacement from the blood bank... and it was this fear that numbed me ...the sense of guilt of pulling my hands away .. I wish I could explain..Baby it’s for your own good...but huh .did we ever understand the phrase "it’s for your own good” when our parents told us ...It was like a flashback. I did not want this baby to be like me, who understood why parents said so ...by burning my hands ...baby you wouldn’t burn your hands here...You would die!
What else can you expect from the kid who you barely know for few hours....he didn’t listen to me? I could hear the alert monitor sounding louder alarms , telling the whole world what was happening in this small crib in this small part of the world ...this little soul was slipping...and all i could do was to just pull my hands away only to fetch something I was not sure would help in any way...
Sometimes I wonder weather my meaphysical questions of why we were born, what is our purpose here ….were answered to accuracy or not. What purpose could possibly this baby has served by having taken birth? Sometimes the assumptions of ubiquotoesness of the higher power and his stange ways , and justifying the deeper meaning of his actions , sound so unacceptable.